Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
