I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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