My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
