they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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