C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
