I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
