i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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