Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
