I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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