I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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