New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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