How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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