I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
