I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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