Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
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