I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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