My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
