help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
