if you like me you must not know who I am
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
