Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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