He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
