Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
