I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
