i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
