The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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