My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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