after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize