I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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