so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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