I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
