and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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