I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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