Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize