Barsexuality is the new black.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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