Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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