hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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