He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize