Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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