I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
