i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
