Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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