I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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