Soap is not a condiment
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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