she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize