for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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