Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
