I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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