He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
