just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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