No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
