I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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