I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
