remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
