Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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