Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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