Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
