Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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