If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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