just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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