i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
