i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ladies don't puke and tell
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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