Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
