You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
