My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
