you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
