I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
