It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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