Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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