its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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