the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
