Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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