oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
